I talk to women everyday who share with me that they don’t feel good enough for the love that they desire.
So much of attracting deep lasting love has to do with how we view ourselves, and what we think we’re worthy of…
A woman who seems completely confident on the surface, often feels like the complete opposite on the inside. She may feel wobbly and insecure, and anything BUT confident.
She’s scared he may see that lack of confidence, so she puts up all kinds of emotional blocks to protect herself from getting hurt.
When we don’t have confidence on the inside, we start to over compensate for this by pretending we have it on the outside.
This makes sense because we’ve been told things like:
We can’t be loved until we love ourselves…
He can only love us as much as we love ourselves…
We must be happy alone first…
We can’t stress out about love, otherwise we’re blocking it…
If we think about it too much, it won’t happen…
All of these “rules” start to feel stressful!
We start to ask ourselves if we’re doing it all wrong and maybe that’s why it’s not “working.”
I remember so many times both in my marriage and previous relationships where I would feel like I wasn’t good enough, not pretty enough, smart enough, together enough, etc.
I didn’t fully accept myself for who I was, and he could feel it on an energetic level.
I tried to act the opposite, not realizing that I was overcompensating for my lack of confidence.
For me this looked like being a bit of a know it all, needing to have things my way, not being able to take no for an answer, and having the final say.
Needless to say, this was not attractive…For so long, I had no idea that all of these behaviors were me trying to feel worthy!
I was trying to show him how amazing, smart, or whatever I was, and it was a huge turn off!
It was once I realized that I had no confidence and was taking action from all the wrong places, that my love life completely changed.
Where is your desire to take action coming from?
Check in with yourself.
Let’s imagine a man your interested in, partner, husband, etc. right in front of you right now! Imagine him starting a conversation by telling you something he read or saw on the news.
Let’s say you know what he’s talking about as soon as he gets started.
What do you want to do?
Does your need to be the “subject matter expert” kick in?
Do you start feeling an urge to jump in and share all that you know on the subject?
Are you still listening to him or waiting to talk?
The old me of course was waiting for her turn to talk. She would often not even wait, and interrupt, interject and show how knowledgeable she was to subconsciously work to impress him.
This would stop him right in his tracks, and he would either stop talking completely or start to get quiet and pull away from me.
I couldn’t understand why. I didn’t see that underneath all of my actions was an energy of trying way too hard.
Now, imagine him in front of you…
You’re making eye contact, your body is relaxed, and you’re listening to him by being in the moment.
You smile and are open to hearing him.
When he’s done…you pause for a minute to make sure he’s done. You then respond by sharing your feelings on it, and connecting with him, not by being the expert or trying to prove anything.
See the difference how we convey how confident we are through our actions and not through words?
When we’re confident, we don’t need to be the expert, have the final say, or prove anything. We’re able to be in the moment, really listen, and then share from a more connected and intuitive space within us…
When I started to see that I had no confidence, I started to pay a lot closer attention to how my actions and behaviors reflected this.
The truth is we don’t have to be this perfectly poised, confident, together person to have the love and adoration we want.
We can be a work in progress and still have the deep love we desire!
In fact, it’s once we see this and embrace that we’re a work in progress that the love we want shows up better than what we ever would’ve expected!
Building confidence from scratch is an area I’m SO passionate about!
I’ve seen how exploring this with women and building it from scratch changes their ability to find, feel and BE completely loved and cherished.