This article was published on Relationship Headquarters earlier this month. Happy New Year as well for those of you I haven’t spoken to yet!
I often hear from women who are deeply in love with a man; yet they have so much anxiety and uncertainty around where the relationship is headed that fear can totally overwhelm them. I also know personally what it feels like to be in love with someone and not know where things stand in the relationship. I healed my own marriage by following the methods and tools discussed below to deepen intimacy and connection in the relationship.
The Path to Deepen Intimacy and Connection
As we navigate this, we often will hold our feelings in and allow emotions to build to a point where they “erupt”! This then creates a greater source of anxiety and tension around the relationship. We start to feel like we have to be perfect and can’t make any mistakes. But, what if we were to turn this around?
A common dynamic I see is that in the beginning, the man was working hard to move the relationship forward. He introduced you to his closest friends and family, he talked about the future, and shared the things he wants in a life partner.
Is It Masculine or Feminine Energy Dynamic
It is easy to then misinterpret this to mean more than it actually does. For the purpose of this article, I am talking about the masculine and feminine energy dynamic. This is not gender specific, but there generally has to be one of each energy type in a relationship to maintain harmony.
The masculine energy is the action-oriented, planning, moving things forward, problem-solving partner. The feminine is the softer, lighter, accepting, present, and trusting energy partner. In order for a partnership to be balanced, this dynamic must exist.
I had a coach tell me many years ago that there can only be one head of a household. If both partners are in the masculine energy trying to be the planner and decision maker, there will be an imbalance. Conflict and disconnection will occur as a result of this power struggle.
This energy exchange is an important one to consider when entering a relationship. We get to decide what we want and what works best for us. We simply will need to have a partner with the complimentary energy to maintain the balance.
In the first three months of a relationship, often called the “honeymoon period”, the energy dynamic is balanced. Often women will get caught up in this and make a commitment to be exclusive too soon because of the actions he is taking during that early period. We will see all the things he is doing as getting us closer to our goal or the level of commitment we desire.
Yet, to a masculine energy man, he is simply living life. He is having fun and not thinking about it from that perspective at all. Before we know it, we have put all of our energy and focus on him and the relationship. It then becomes a necessity for everything to work out! We have cut ourselves off too soon from other options. As this dynamic progresses, imbalance starts to occur. He will then pull back and create some distance and space.
It is what we do from here that is critical. When we feel that distance and withdrawal is present, we instinctively want to move closer to maintain the same level of connection and intimacy. As we do this, the energy exchange is thrown off because the dynamic has shifted where we are now in our masculine energy. He then begins to pull back and withdraw even more as this is not attractive to him.
Anxiety and fear come up and start to lead us. We find ourselves in a situation where we begin to do all of the lifting in the relationship. We initiate, call, text, talk about the relationship, and plan for the future all on our own. Having a fear of rejection and hurt is normal. It’s normal to want to avoid pain, but sometimes a woman can avoid uncomfortable situations too much.
He is doing none of those things, and the dynamic starts to feel “off” at a gut level to him. We also start to feel a ton of resentment, fear, low self-worth, the need for approval, and allow ourselves to take much less than what we deserve. He has metaphorically left the relationship ball on the ground, and we have become the only person engaged in the “game” to deepen intimacy and connection.
How to turn this around:
What if I could get you to get in the habit of creating emotional dependency on his part? I recommend that we start shifting our focus completely and consciously “date” ourselves. This means we are getting our focus off of the relationship. We start to do things that feel good and that do not depend on what he does or doesn’t do! We no longer need anything from him to be okay and consciously start to fill ourselves up instead. This looks like the things we did before or in the beginning of the relationship. This is about getting to know ourselves again and strengthening that connection first.
I will often receive the question:
Should I ask what is wrong or what he is thinking? Should I share everything I’m feeling about the relationship?
Consider that talking about it more with him is not going to inspire connection or attraction. As women, we often want to talk about all of our feelings and tell him what we need; yet, he just wants to get away and avoid “the talk.” This creates a dynamic where he doesn’t feel safe to let his guard down and allow his heart to open up.
It is because of this that I recommend you do the opposite. To inspire connection and attraction, we must learn to practice surrendering control and letting go. As we practice this through actions and not words, the energy will start to shift. The attraction will start to grow. Things will feel less dark and stressful. They will no longer feel desperate and that they are in a life or death situation.
As we increase our own value from within and not from the relationship, we are reminded of all the things we love about ourselves. We are reminded that we are gorgeous, deserving, and have a lot to offer! He then is drawn to this energetically and will feel at a gut level that things feel right. This is something he needs to feel and not just talk about.
As we do this, I also recommend you replace all the negative thought patterns with new positive thoughts of gratitude for what he has to give right NOW as opposed to what we want or what he isn’t giving. As we learn to appreciate the present moment with our partner, we build a stronger foundation and connection. We are no longer focused on what he is not giving and are instead focused on what he is giving.
Love and gratitude replace the scarcity and lack mindset.
When we can practice gratitude to all the things that he is doing and push what he isn’t doing to the background, everything changes. THIS is what takes a relationship to the next level and allows love to grow. This is that deep connection that cannot be put into words or explained.
So often we think that we will be happy when he does a certain thing or says a certain thing…yet in reality, it’s the other way around. We have to be happy with ourselves BEFORE he is inspired to give us love and gratitude in return. It’s when we let go and don’t need anything so much that we then are in a position to receive even more and deepen that intimacy and connection.