I talk with women all the time who ask:
How exactly do I stop the cycle of arguing?
This is one of those areas that can turn into a chronic habit quickly, so as we learn how to recognize the pattern, we can quickly restore connection and intimacy. It doesn’t matter if this has been going on for two weeks, two months, or two years. This shift can happen quickly when we respond to it with our actions instead of words.
5 Ways To Stop The Cycle Of Arguing
1. Catch It.
It starts with being able to recognize it, and see it for what it is when its starting. This can look like a man baiting us into an argument, or us noticing our own surge of emotions around a certain topic. When we catch it, we have the opportunity to redirect it and go a new way. This can look like simply sharing:
“I don’t want to argue.”
“I don’t want to fight.”
“I need to go get some fresh air.”
“I am feeling upset, I want to wait until I’m calm to talk.”
If he continues to push, I would leave the room, the house, or step away if it’s somewhere else.
We want to break the pattern and cycle right away so it doesn’t escalate and cause more disconnection.
2. Learning to Listen In A New Way
How often is it when our partner is sharing, we’re feeling that rise in our body, and can’t wait to respond with our rebuttal, and tell him why he is misunderstanding us, explain our side, or tell him why he’s got it all wrong?
When we learn how to listen fully, and let go of the dialogue we have in our heads, he feels this presence.
The power of present listening releases all of the tension and resistance that’s been building.
We don’t have to necessarily agree with everything he’s saying, yet we’re simply hearing him and allowing him to feel safe to express his thoughts and emotions.
This looks like:
“I hear you.”
“I understand what you’re saying.”
“Thank you for sharing, yet that’s hard to hear.”
3. Biting Our Tongue
How many times have you been in a situation where you want to make that “little” point, or share that “innocent” comment, and instead ignited a fire?
Biting the tongue takes practice.
This means letting go of having the final say, making that last point, and instead release it…stopping the habit of keeping score.
This is especially true in those more petty arguments we can get caught up in, or that catch us off guard.
When we learn to bite our tongues, and instead show up from a place of love, this will create a huge shift.
The reality is we can’t argue by ourselves, so when we take the high road of biting our tongue, he’s forced to go deeper and examine himself and his actions.
He’ll never do this as long as we’re giving him an excuse to make it our fault.
4. Bring Attention To What We Want
If we’re caught up in the cycle of arguing, we’re likely able to find a lot more evidence supporting what we don’t want rather than what it is we do want.
A masculine energy man doesn’t do anything he doesn’t want to do, so if we learn to recognize this, then practice bringing our attention to the things he is doing, we’ll expand this quickly.
This looks like:
“I really appreciate you taking the trash out, thank you.”
“I really appreciate you picking that up for me.”
“Thanks so much for the coffee, you read my mind..”
“It felt really nice to see your name pop up on my phone.”
As you learn to bring attention to where it is you want more, you will be amazed at how quickly you’ll see this change.
5. Letting Go Of The Outcome
This means truly surrendering the need or urge to control him, the situation, or outcome in any way!
This means practicing not being attached to whatever it is happening our way.
When we share something we want, but then don’t let go of it, it’s really then a command. He’ll feel controlled.
When we learn how to express our desire, and release it, we’re surrendering and accepting life from our feminine energy.
This is beautiful, vulnerable, and magnetic for a masculine energy man.
When he feels true authentic emotional freedom to give on his terms, he’ll be inspired to step up in the ways we’ve longed for.
I’m confident these five steps will open his heart, and create the space needed to inspire love and connection.
If you’re feeling lost and are having difficulty breaking out of the patterns and cycles that have kept you feeling stuck, I am confident I can help you create changes quickly!