It is easy to fall into a pattern of I will be happy when…or I will be happy after…I will be happy if…
So often we can find ourselves putting our happiness off to when we reach a specific goal or when our circumstances change…THEN we will finally get to be happy. We can fall into the trap of believing that the answer to our happiness lies within something outside of ourselves. We lose sight of all the incredible things we have right now and that the secret to happiness is actually an inside job.
Challenging this belief system comes up so often in my work with women as it relates to love and relationships. We will fall into this trap again convincing ourselves that once a man says he loves us, that THEN we will feel secure and happy. This could be once he takes things to the next level, proposes, or does whatever it is we are thinking of, that THEN we will be happy and feel loved.
I can relate to this on a personal level as well as I did this myself in my own relationship for many years without any awareness. I kept waiting for something to occur or happen before I felt like I could be happy.
The truth that I discovered as it relates to relationships is that a man is only capable of loving us as much as we love ourselves. When we are waiting for something outside of ourselves to be happy, we are simply not loving ourselves. We are blocking him from being able to connect to us.
This is because the feminine energy leads in the relationship. The feminine energy is a soft, light, open, and heart centered energy. It is trusting and it is all about feeling vs. thinking. It’s about being in our heart and not in our head trying to figure everything out. This energy quietly leads the dynamic in a relationship.
It is for this reason then that if we do not believe we are worthy or deserving, a man won’t either. If we tell ourselves we are not good enough, he will on a subconscious level feel the same way. I know this sounds harsh, yet it plays out this way everyday for women that do not love themselves. As a result she convinces herself it is okay to accept crumbs from a man. She doesn’t believe deep down that she deserves more.
The first step in finding the level of love we want with a man starts with examining the level of love we have for ourselves.
If we believe that we cannot be happy until something out of our control occurs, we are in turn blocking our ability to actually receive it.
As we heal ourselves and the emotions that are blocking the love we want to receive, it is only then that we create the shift needed for change. This is the first step.
It is THEN that he becomes capable of deeply loving us and cherishing our feelings.
As we learn to fill ourselves up and give ourselves the love we are seeking outside of ourselves, and from the relationship, the dynamic WILL shift. He will no longer feel pressure or that underlying energy of expectation and obligation. He will the freedom he NEEDS in order to move closer. We will then be approaching the relationship from a much higher vibrational standpoint. As he feels this, it will shift everything!
Change can happen practically overnight. There will be no conversation required because this will be demonstrated through our actions not through words. He will feel this at a gut level. That is what a man needs to feel in order to move closer and push the relationship forward.
As we heal, and learn to love and accept ourselves, we become that high value woman who is capable of having everything she wants. The energy of this is authentic, vulnerable, and takes courage. It is soft on the outside, while feeling strong and empowered on the inside.
As we feel our own worth and value- he does too.
He starts to work harder in the relationship, starts to initiate more, and becomes motivated to be the man that wins our heart.
I remember when I was healing my relationship with my husband I had to really examine how I was speaking to myself. I had an inner dialogue that was extremely critical, and I was just so hard on myself. This in turn made me hard on him as well as everyone else in my life.
As we learn to love ourselves, we start to learn how to love others too. We accept them for who they are vs. asking them to change or show up differently.
I used mantras daily as a tool in shifting my inner dialogue and as a way to quiet my inner critic. I consciously replaced negative language and instead built myself up by creating self love, compassion, and acceptance for myself. As I did this, the relationship I had with myself as well as my relationship with my husband completely changed. Once I learned how to love myself, he learned how to love me again too.
Three Self Love mantras that shift our vibe quickly:
I am enough.
This mantra is short and simple, yet extremely powerful. I am enough means just that- we are enough as we are right now, in this moment. We do not need to work, prove, or make something happen in order to be loved.
As we learn to believe this about ourselves, we shift the vibe to one that energetically conveys high value, confidence, and a sense of peace. This feels really good to be around. Instead of feeling guarded and defensive, he will feel an inviting, soft, more open energy.
#2 I approve of myself
As we learn to approve of ourselves and stop seeking permission from others, we learn to feel okay with who we are and where we are. We learn to live authentically and confidently. We stop worrying about what he may be thinking or feeling about something we said or did, and start taking care of ourselves. We begin to put our own needs and desires first.
This in turn shifts the vibe from feeling insecure and pressured to soft and inviting.
As we learn to approve of ourselves, we let go of worrying too much about what he is thinking about the relationship. As we learn to be confident in our choices, he will in turn respect and honor us.
Quite simply, we teach people how to treat us by the way we treat ourselves. He will feel that you don’t need anything FROM him, and that you are happy with who you are. This is extremely attractive and creates a huge shift.
#3 Everything is working out for me
Giving ourselves permission not to worry is also huge in creating a shift.
What if you approached each day of the relationship with “I’m giving myself permission to not worry about that today.” Being in the present and taking things in as they come allows us to turn off the thoughts that are serving us or moving us closer to everything we want.
The ability to to actively let go and simply be present in each moment also grounds us. We then are much less likely to experience the anxiety associated with worrying and overthinking about the relationship.
As we learn to incorporate these mantras by putting our own needs and desires first, putting the focus back on ourselves, and bring gratitude to all that we have right now, he will see that you don’t “need” him, but that you “chose” him.
He then begins to shift and will see us for the high value woman that we are.
This will inspire attraction and deep connection. He will feel the emotional safety needed in order to want to move closer.
Tapping into our own self love ( or lack of it) and addressing the healing within us that needs to occur, in turn gives us the relationship of our dreams. The love we want is completely possible! It is just not achieved by waiting or asking for it. We get to create this within ourselves and trust that he will then feel this shift as well. This will then inspire him to step up, or will create the space needed for the right guy to come into our life.
This requires loving ourselves enough to know that we are deserving and that it is all working out for us.
As we heal ourselves, we completely transform the men that then show up.