I often get a lot of questions about what to do when a man says he is confused. Things could be moving along great and seemingly out of nowhere, he tells you he is confused and doesn’t know how he feels about the relationship.
This can cause us to go into complete PANIC or OVERDRIVE. We think if we can just TALK IT OUT or CONVINCE him otherwise, that will get things back on track and restore intimacy.
If you are feeling anxious, panicked, or stressed because you have been told or just FEEL him pulling away, I can completely relate! What we want to do, and what we need to do are completely counterintuitive!
I used to completely be the person to take OVER. Things would get SO much worse, but I never put together that my OVERFUNCTIONING was the reason for it!
I learned that men need the space to work it out. There is nothing we can say or do to change how he is feeling. In fact, when we try to do that we are only making things worse.
When a man tells you he is confused or is pulling away, we tend to go into OVERFUNCTIONING and start picking up where he left off…thinking that if we DO all these THINGS then he will see how great we are and the love will be restored. What often happens is that WE start trying SO hard, that he just gives up completely, leaving us doing all of the work to keep the relationship alive.
What we want to do when he tells us he is confused is to give him the SPACE to figure it out. We let him MOVE the relationship forward.
Rori Raye Row the Boat tool:
Imagine you and your man in a boat. You are in the middle of the lake and want to get back to shore. Who is holding the oars and getting you back to shore? If you are the one furiously paddling to get you there, then you are TAKING OVER. It also probably doesn’t feel very good.
Now…Imagine DROPPING the oars. DROP the oars and completely relax in the boat. The only way you are going to get to shore is if he INITIATES that. Your responsibility is to sit back, relax and enjoy the beautiful day.
When we start to CONTROL and take over, it builds resentment, anger, and sadness. AND he’s not happy either.
If he tells you he is confused, imagine the boat. RELAX and DON’T PANIC. That is your cue to get your focus elsewhere. If you make the common mistake of going into overdrive, he will continue to feel disconnected and your resentment will build.