In my work as a love and relationship coach, I work with many women who are used to solving
problems and making it happen in their day-to-day lives. This works well for most of us professionally, but not as well in
our intimate relationships.
I often see women stepping up to fix a relationship that feels distant
and disconnected by putting all of their effort and focus on it. Yet, instead of feeling better,
inevitably more panic and anxiety around the relationship sets in. Things appear to be getting
worse instead of improving.
Yet we have been taught that the more we work on something, the
better it should be, right?
I would like to explore this idea more and share why this is such a common pattern in
When our partner is pulling away, instinctively we will want to move in and close that space.
If this type of energy dynamic progresses without awareness, we will find ourselves starting to take
on more and more to keep the relationship alive in an effort to close the gap.
What is underneath this though is fear — fear of not being enough, fear of not doing enough to be loved, fear of disapproval, and fear of what would happen if we were to stop filling in the space.
This will lead to us vacillating between anger and resentment, then fear and over-functioning.
This leaves us feeling emotionally all over the place, and it doesn’t exactly feel stable to our
The more we take action out of fear or lack, the more we amplify what we don’t want.
One of the first things I recommend we do to change the dynamic of this vicious cycle is to stop
There is tremendous strength and power in doing nothing. This is not a concept most of us are taught to value.
When we do “nothing”, which for the purpose of this article means we are no longer taking action out of fear, we have the opportunity to see the truth
of our situation without having manipulated or distorted it so as to protect ourselves from what
we may not want to face.
In reality though, this is a very false sense of security, as we will never
feel happy or fulfilled in that type of partnership. It will simply not feel real or authentic; it will
feel forced and controlled.
Cultivating this space of inaction within ourselves gives our partner room to breathe.
When we are in a state of over-focusing on our relationship, our partner feels it!
The energy feels controlling. As we stop taking this kind of action, we start to live inside of ourselves vs. trying to
“get in our partner’s head” to guess what they may be thinking or feeling.
More of our actions then start to come from what we want and need vs. basing it off of how it may be received by our
When we are no longer over-functioning and are instead owning the life of the relationship independently,
the resentment that has built up within us starts to dissipate.
Of course we will feel fear — fear of what will happen, fear of the relationship sitting on the ground like a deflated balloon, and fear
of losing the relationship altogether.
Yet within this space is an authenticity that is powerful. As we come to accept what IS, we realize it feels so much better than trying to distort and
manipulate something that is not real.
The other empowering aspect of this, is that creating this space is incredibly healing.
I can definitely relate to wanting to just talk it all out, although I have realized over time that this does
not usually lead to re-connection and warm feelings. I have found that I now feel best practicing surrender, and cultivating my own feelings of love and worth. I remind myself that I am worth effort, and that I need this from a partner in order to be happy and balanced in the relationship.
I know when I was healing my own relationship, the relationship did sit on the floor like a
deflated balloon for quite some time.
I allowed myself to feel everything that came up for me during that period.
As I felt my emotions and made peace with where things were, I got to know myself much better. I learned what my triggers were, I was able to access my intuition, and I felt
confident in myself and all I have to offer in a partnership.
As time went on, this became very visible to my partner. The space and ability to let go hit the reset button between us. We started to rebuild the relationship. The dynamic changed
There is tremendous power in knowing that the only person we have control over is ourselves. Any time we feel the urge to control yet don’t ultimately give into the urge, we move closer to the
love we want.
Love only feels authentic when our partner has the true freedom to give it. The practice of inaction will allow us to continue to surrender and approach our desires from a
higher vibrational standpoint. What I have found is that in accessing the ability to “do nothing” this in turn brings back the very thing we are so afraid of releasing.